Cleaning out the closet

“Don’t worry. My son is gay. Once you get over the gay thing it’s not so bad. Here, have another drink.”

In life as in music timing is everything. Arguably there is no perfect time to spring this on your parent, but some times are better than others. The night before your Matric finals, might not be one of them.

I know you think the world is all about you.

You can’t help it; you are an 18-year-old boy.

I forgive you.

I don’t know if your father will.

Here is the thing.

It is not that you are gay.

It is that you are having sex.

You know how you feel about your parents getting it on?

Multiply that by about 1 000 and you may have inkling of how they feel about you doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

Let’s take the Matric finals first. Your father is terrified for you. He’d write those exams for you in an instant. He’s worried that you haven’t studied enough, that the education he gave you will fall short, that you won’t be able to achieve your dreams and so on. He also has to deal with the fact that in two months his baby boy will be moving out and going to Varsity. He knows what happens at Varsity and he is panicking – a lot.

Then you add into the mix that not only are you sexually active, but also have been active enough to make a decision on your orientation. Now he is remembering the Catholic Church trials in the States and wondering if you’ve been abused. Then he remembers all the times you’ve had a mate crash over in his house and he’s feeling a little freaky. 

Let’s put this in perspective. I’m not gay, but back in the murky depths of time, I was young once too. It unfolded like this…

Age 17

My father: “I’m going to the pharmacy, do you need anything?”

My mother: “No, but pick up your daughter’s pill while you’re there.”

He went to the pharmacy and was appalled to given a box of birth control. He was convinced it was a mistake. It wasn’t. Still, better safe than sorry he thought. She’s is just being careful and is taking it for medical reasons totally unassociated with sex.

Age 20

My father and my boyfriend pass each other in the hallway emerging from different showers.

We could just have been cuddling. Right?

Age 21

“Dad, I’m moving in with my boyfriend.”

Okay, he reasoned, two bedrooms in the house, everything is still okay.

Age 23

“I’m getting married!”

Perhaps it won’t be consummated.

Age 25

“I’m having a baby!”

This was when the proverbial penny dropped with a thundering crash.

My father looked across at my husband and in the face of incontrovertible proof had to accept that I was sexually active.

I don’t think he has ever quite got over it.

You see, no matter you old you are or how grown up you feel, your Dad will always see you as the tiny newborn baby he held in his arms, the little boy he taught to ride a bike and as his son.

Okay, a Victoria Secret underwear model might have been an easier sell than the captain of the rugby team, but hey, he’ll get over the “gay” thing, just not over the “my son having sex” thing. Ever.

Whether gay or straight, flinging your sexuality in your parents’ faces can lead to disastrous consequences – in my case, my father threatened to move to Saudi Arabia and put me in a burka.

They don’t flaunt their sex life in front of you, so show some respect and conduct yours with a little bit of discretion.

And by that I do not mean in the backseat of your dad’s BMW.