Turn off and drop out

It’s 06:30 in the morning. Must update my Facebook status. GAH! What should my BBM status say? And Twitter – must Twitter. Have to check my email, my LinkedIn and my Google+. What about the blog? What do I say? 

Really, does anyone actually care? It's hardly as though I spout words of wisdom. So why then am I letting it drive me round the bend?

The sun’s not up yet and my stress levels are through the roof because I’ve been off the grid for 8 hours. Insane?

Last week I fell off the grid. I turned off my cellphone. I didn’t check my email. I didn’t log into Facebook or Twitter or any of the others. I didn’t agonise over my Klout score or check in on Foursquare every place I went.

It was better than going to the spa.

The time has come to set some limitations and to enforce them. I don’t expect everyone to be Harry Potter and magically deduce what they are. I’m going to tell you.

1.    Do not call me between 5pm and 10pm. Assuming I answer, I will not be happy to hear from you. After 10pm I will be so exhausted I’ll just mumble incoherently at you about lunch boxes and quadratic equations. Whatever it is, it will keep until the morning.

2.    If you would hesitate to call my home telephone, don’t call me on my cell either.

3.    Do not call me at 4am. Whoever you were I am sure there is a VIP hot rock in hell with your name on it.

4.    Do not phone me after a bottle of Tequila with the next BIG idea. Trust me it is not that big. Look at it when you’re sober. 

5.    Do not copy me on hilarious jokes, chain letters and any email that includes a line about sending it on to 1500 of my closest friends or burning in hell.

6.    I know I have not won $10 000 000. I am not that lucky. Stop taunting me.

7.    I cannot save all the abandoned animals in the world. I sympathise with their plight. I donate to the SPCA. Leave me alone.

8.    If you work for a bank or any call centre take me off your list. Whatever you are selling, I don’t want it. Not now. Not ever.

9.    God made Sunday a day of rest. It is my island in a week of insanity. Do not abuse it.

10. Learn to read the signs of overstaying your welcome. Yawning means it is time to go.

Despite all evidence above to the contrary, I am not a completely anti-social bitch. I just realised how much empty chatter and fluff clutters up my communication channels.

It takes me forever to find the information that really matters because I’m checking 6 different media and sifting through 100 odd totally meaningless emails from J Edgar Hoover and Johnny English.

My message to the masses…

Turn off and drop out.