One buzzing bee
Sat on my knee
One buzzing bee became two
And soon a hive was in my loo
Buzzing, buzzing everywhere
In the bath and in my hair
I tried to do the humane thing
And set about the task of smoking
The little buzzing blighters out
To no avail it didn’t work
Busy bees their work don’t shirk
The beeman came last Thursday eve
To persuade the Queen to up and leave
But she’s a stubborn little girl
Without the requisite forehead curl
She refused to even budge
So the Beeman had to give her quite a nudge
All this while I stood quietly reeling
At the extent of her palace in my ceiling
Fair means or foul I made my stand
You could say I finally showed my hand
Simply out, she had to go
Which is why I called in the Beeman Pro
He nodded once, he nodded twice
He killed a thousand bees with one device
Now my bathroom is as silent as the grave
A memorial to the all the bees I tried to save
Friday, January 23, 2009
It's a chick thing
“Please excuse me, ladies and gentlemen
A personal emergency has arisen
That requires my immediate attention
And as such a timeous conclusion of this session.”
It’s hard to keep a professional demeanour
When your underwear has committed a misdemeanour
To smile while a knife appears to be embedded in your flesh
Where your underwiring has escaped through the mesh
Of your expensive French made designer lingerie
Leaving your cleavage in lopsided disarray
Keeping with a smile firmly on one’s face
Begin desperately seeking any sort of place
That might sell a lady’s brassiere
From this day on I’ll keep one spare
In my car, my bag, my desk
To re-render my figure statuesque
It could have been worse I could surmise
My panty elastic could have expired
And I might have fallen to my knees
With the sudden intrusion of a chilly breeze
You see, instead of all this tiresome whining
It’s always best to find a silver lining
A personal emergency has arisen
That requires my immediate attention
And as such a timeous conclusion of this session.”
It’s hard to keep a professional demeanour
When your underwear has committed a misdemeanour
To smile while a knife appears to be embedded in your flesh
Where your underwiring has escaped through the mesh
Of your expensive French made designer lingerie
Leaving your cleavage in lopsided disarray
Keeping with a smile firmly on one’s face
Begin desperately seeking any sort of place
That might sell a lady’s brassiere
From this day on I’ll keep one spare
In my car, my bag, my desk
To re-render my figure statuesque
It could have been worse I could surmise
My panty elastic could have expired
And I might have fallen to my knees
With the sudden intrusion of a chilly breeze
You see, instead of all this tiresome whining
It’s always best to find a silver lining
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Happy New Year
It’s the New Year and I’ll back at my desk
Already thinking that I need another rest
I had two whole weeks in which to do nothing
I lasted three days before I had to do something
So I painted the kitchen, my hair and my nose
I put all my books in neat alphabetised rows
I filed all the paperwork from years gone by
I danced for hours under the summer night sky
I trailed around from store to store
And still the kids’ schools demanded more
Glitter and pens and forgotten school stuff
Until quite frankly I’d had enough
Now I sit here at my trusty keyboard
And although flooded with work am insufferably bored
I want to jump up and down on the trampoline
Spend hours watching old movies on the silver screen
Why is it that the time slips so easily past
I wish I could make the moments last and last
Already thinking that I need another rest
I had two whole weeks in which to do nothing
I lasted three days before I had to do something
So I painted the kitchen, my hair and my nose
I put all my books in neat alphabetised rows
I filed all the paperwork from years gone by
I danced for hours under the summer night sky
I trailed around from store to store
And still the kids’ schools demanded more
Glitter and pens and forgotten school stuff
Until quite frankly I’d had enough
Now I sit here at my trusty keyboard
And although flooded with work am insufferably bored
I want to jump up and down on the trampoline
Spend hours watching old movies on the silver screen
Why is it that the time slips so easily past
I wish I could make the moments last and last
Bees
There was a buzzing near the rooftop
A sound that drew my eye
Up to where the window meets the wide blue open sky
Mi casa is su casa for a hive of honey bees
It would have been polite for them to ask please
I am a modern woman of independent means
I do not run away from trouble screaming screams
No, I closed the door upon my unwanted house pests
It was time to evict them, my ears deaf to their protests
Three small interested parties stood waiting patiently by
I told them clearly not to enter and never their mother to defy
I must not have said it loud enough for not 2 more seconds passed
Before small boy aged four opened that door pretty fast
I need not tell you what occurred
He cried out like a little bird
I laid the phone to Bee Removal 101
And called instead Bee Medical rescue 911
In some weird twisted work of fate
I have a family member who thinks bees are great
She said to me to smoke them out
That it would work without a doubt
So I fired up the Weber and lugged it up the stairs
I caught those busy little bees completely unawares
I thought that this was the opportune time
To fill in the absent husband of mine
“Good God!” he exclaimed as I explained the plan
“Please tell me you didn’t and called a bee man!”
“Well, actually. Honey,” I purred down the phone
“It’s currently in process and that’s what happens when you leave me alone.”
Despite his extremely negative prognosis
I did not burn the house down in my bee ridding process
It still smells of smoke, but the bees have moved on
And I basked in the thrill of a battle well won
Now a week down the line I not so sure
That a fire in the loo was a failsafe cure
The bees are moving back one by one
I think the next plan is to buy a big gun
A sound that drew my eye
Up to where the window meets the wide blue open sky
Mi casa is su casa for a hive of honey bees
It would have been polite for them to ask please
I am a modern woman of independent means
I do not run away from trouble screaming screams
No, I closed the door upon my unwanted house pests
It was time to evict them, my ears deaf to their protests
Three small interested parties stood waiting patiently by
I told them clearly not to enter and never their mother to defy
I must not have said it loud enough for not 2 more seconds passed
Before small boy aged four opened that door pretty fast
I need not tell you what occurred
He cried out like a little bird
I laid the phone to Bee Removal 101
And called instead Bee Medical rescue 911
In some weird twisted work of fate
I have a family member who thinks bees are great
She said to me to smoke them out
That it would work without a doubt
So I fired up the Weber and lugged it up the stairs
I caught those busy little bees completely unawares
I thought that this was the opportune time
To fill in the absent husband of mine
“Good God!” he exclaimed as I explained the plan
“Please tell me you didn’t and called a bee man!”
“Well, actually. Honey,” I purred down the phone
“It’s currently in process and that’s what happens when you leave me alone.”
Despite his extremely negative prognosis
I did not burn the house down in my bee ridding process
It still smells of smoke, but the bees have moved on
And I basked in the thrill of a battle well won
Now a week down the line I not so sure
That a fire in the loo was a failsafe cure
The bees are moving back one by one
I think the next plan is to buy a big gun
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
By Alex aged 6
Once upon there was a cheeky little monkey
Who played a funny trick on me
He saw me walking down the street
And snuck a banana in front of my feet
As I stepped, it went squish
I landed right on my tush
My feet in the air
Banana everywhere!
That naughty little monkey laughed until he cried
He laughed so hard he nearly died
He laughed so much he didn’t see as I put
A ripe banana in front of his foot!
Who played a funny trick on me
He saw me walking down the street
And snuck a banana in front of my feet
As I stepped, it went squish
I landed right on my tush
My feet in the air
Banana everywhere!
That naughty little monkey laughed until he cried
He laughed so hard he nearly died
He laughed so much he didn’t see as I put
A ripe banana in front of his foot!
Downstream
Alcoholics call it the moment of clarity
No doubt it will be the cause of some hilarity
I’ve spent many years honing my mantra to life
One to get me through times of panic and strife
It seems I allowed it to slip my mind
And it was unbelievably hard to find
I hope you don’t mind if I share
My thoughts on the matter here
Take the salmon – a fish
A tasty supper dish
He spends his life swimming upstream
Can you hear his embattled scream?
When he finally arrives at the top
He’s got one good fuck before his heart will stop
Take the duck
Who doesn’t give a fuck
He floats downstream with a lazy quack
Let life’s troubles run like water off his back
He follows the summer sun
In search of good times and all sorts of fun
Flies through the skies
‘Til the day he dies
I think I’d rather be a duck
All this background rhymes and context
Is to set the stage for another promotion concept
They want a wheel
They’ve got one
We lost the appeal
They won
No doubt it will be the cause of some hilarity
I’ve spent many years honing my mantra to life
One to get me through times of panic and strife
It seems I allowed it to slip my mind
And it was unbelievably hard to find
I hope you don’t mind if I share
My thoughts on the matter here
Take the salmon – a fish
A tasty supper dish
He spends his life swimming upstream
Can you hear his embattled scream?
When he finally arrives at the top
He’s got one good fuck before his heart will stop
Take the duck
Who doesn’t give a fuck
He floats downstream with a lazy quack
Let life’s troubles run like water off his back
He follows the summer sun
In search of good times and all sorts of fun
Flies through the skies
‘Til the day he dies
I think I’d rather be a duck
All this background rhymes and context
Is to set the stage for another promotion concept
They want a wheel
They’ve got one
We lost the appeal
They won
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The Hungry T-Rex by James
Once upon a time
A T-Rex went out to dine
“Mmm,” he said, “I’m think that maybe
“I’ll have a juicy dinosaur baby.”
He ate it up and cleaned his plate
“That was awesome, that was great!”
On Monday he had an empty tummy
He thought, “I need something yummy!”
He gave a might T-Rex roar
And ate up every dinosaur!
The next time he went out to eat
He couldn’t find a single piece of meat
So the big old nasty greedy guts
Had to live on fruit and nuts!
Soon, the T-Rex had quite enough
Of noshing on veggies, nuts and stuff
He yelled, “I’m going into space
To find another eating place!”
He travelled far, he travelled wide
Across the universe’s great divide
He ate up everything he could find
Leaving nothing at all behind
But when he ate up little Pluto
His tummy began to grow and grow
It blew up like a big balloon
Into the size of a big full moon
And POP he went and off he blew
In between the stars he flew
If look up into the sky
You may see T-Rex fly by
That’s what happens when you’re rude
And stuff yourself with too much food
A T-Rex went out to dine
“Mmm,” he said, “I’m think that maybe
“I’ll have a juicy dinosaur baby.”
He ate it up and cleaned his plate
“That was awesome, that was great!”
On Monday he had an empty tummy
He thought, “I need something yummy!”
He gave a might T-Rex roar
And ate up every dinosaur!
The next time he went out to eat
He couldn’t find a single piece of meat
So the big old nasty greedy guts
Had to live on fruit and nuts!
Soon, the T-Rex had quite enough
Of noshing on veggies, nuts and stuff
He yelled, “I’m going into space
To find another eating place!”
He travelled far, he travelled wide
Across the universe’s great divide
He ate up everything he could find
Leaving nothing at all behind
But when he ate up little Pluto
His tummy began to grow and grow
It blew up like a big balloon
Into the size of a big full moon
And POP he went and off he blew
In between the stars he flew
If look up into the sky
You may see T-Rex fly by
That’s what happens when you’re rude
And stuff yourself with too much food
Friday, October 31, 2008
Beware
Listen up, don’t go in there
I’m warning you to please beware
The mirror’s playing nasty tricks
Turning young and pretty chicks
Into crones and evil witches
Giving birth to hardcore bitches
Showing wrinkles where there’s none
Making you crave high cholesterol buns
Urging you to break your diet
Can you hear it whispering, “Come on just try it!”
And the laughter echoes as you scream
After all it’s Halloween
I’m warning you to please beware
The mirror’s playing nasty tricks
Turning young and pretty chicks
Into crones and evil witches
Giving birth to hardcore bitches
Showing wrinkles where there’s none
Making you crave high cholesterol buns
Urging you to break your diet
Can you hear it whispering, “Come on just try it!”
And the laughter echoes as you scream
After all it’s Halloween
Trick
A pirate and a fairy
A wizard and a witch
It’s time or very nearly
To eat stuff sweet and rich
Knocking on each and every door
For loads of chocolate bars and more
A wizard and a witch
It’s time or very nearly
To eat stuff sweet and rich
Knocking on each and every door
For loads of chocolate bars and more
Bats
The whole office is going through a complete upheaval
Marais has gone completely evil
Christina has gone totally bats
Scott’s cutting out big black cats
I hope we get to trick or treat
With loads of candy corn to eat
I fear there’ll be less treats than tricks
That’s how creative’s get their kicks
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tent
Toasted marshmallows in the flames
Ghost stories and monsters that know your name
Stars that light way your way to bed
In a snug little tent to lay your head
My son is going on his first campout
With dad and his friends and without
His mum to tuck him in at night
Or his little brother to give him a fright
They’re leaving on the 7th of November
I’d like it to be a weekend to remember
The thing is my money has already been spent
And I don’t have the cash to buy him a tent
If you have one I could borrow
You would save a small boy from irreparable sorrow
And earn my eternal gratitude
And a bottle of something nice (or two!)
Ghost stories and monsters that know your name
Stars that light way your way to bed
In a snug little tent to lay your head
My son is going on his first campout
With dad and his friends and without
His mum to tuck him in at night
Or his little brother to give him a fright
They’re leaving on the 7th of November
I’d like it to be a weekend to remember
The thing is my money has already been spent
And I don’t have the cash to buy him a tent
If you have one I could borrow
You would save a small boy from irreparable sorrow
And earn my eternal gratitude
And a bottle of something nice (or two!)
Monday, October 27, 2008
Domestic Bliss
There are tomes to be read on wedded bliss
From what to wear to how to kiss
The perfect lingerie to wear
La Sensa (I’d just like to share)
When you make the change to Mrs from Miss
Well, you’ve probably already made a list
Kamasutra positions learnt
You might have got your fingers burnt
Twisting this way, twisting that
Carpet burns upon the mat
You may be able to put your foot behind your head
But there is simpler way to get a man in bed
A little look, a subtle smile
You won’t even have to wait a while
It has been said in ages past
That food is the way to tame a man’s heart
At this I have to disagree
Love is simpler by far you see
For there’s plenty of magic in simple things
Like a pair of golden wedding rings
From what to wear to how to kiss
The perfect lingerie to wear
La Sensa (I’d just like to share)
When you make the change to Mrs from Miss
Well, you’ve probably already made a list
Kamasutra positions learnt
You might have got your fingers burnt
Twisting this way, twisting that
Carpet burns upon the mat
You may be able to put your foot behind your head
But there is simpler way to get a man in bed
A little look, a subtle smile
You won’t even have to wait a while
It has been said in ages past
That food is the way to tame a man’s heart
At this I have to disagree
Love is simpler by far you see
For there’s plenty of magic in simple things
Like a pair of golden wedding rings
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The Golden Thread
A bright golden thread running through
Each and every job we do
Give me a length of 24 carat
A golden noose and a hook to hang it
Pretty little puppet on a golden string
I can make you dance and make you sing
Each and every job we do
Give me a length of 24 carat
A golden noose and a hook to hang it
Pretty little puppet on a golden string
I can make you dance and make you sing
Office gossip
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words can never hurt me
There’s a sentiment with which I have to disagree
Malicious little rumours get underneath the skin
I’m damned if for a second I’ll let that woman win
I haven’t stolen from her nor said I want her job
Yet she wants to put me up in front of a lynch mob
I haven’t killed a kitten or had sex with her boyfriend
Yet this wave of vitriol seems to have no end
I’m caught in a nightmarish kindergarten flashback
Under siege from an ill-disguised, ill-timed attack
I keep expecting her to come and pull my pigtails
Or scratch the skin off my back with her talonlike false nails
I will admit I had a laugh when first I became aware
She had in for me and I’d better beware
Now it’s not amusing but petty and bizarre
And the gossip and the little lies have left a painful scar
May break my bones
But words can never hurt me
There’s a sentiment with which I have to disagree
Malicious little rumours get underneath the skin
I’m damned if for a second I’ll let that woman win
I haven’t stolen from her nor said I want her job
Yet she wants to put me up in front of a lynch mob
I haven’t killed a kitten or had sex with her boyfriend
Yet this wave of vitriol seems to have no end
I’m caught in a nightmarish kindergarten flashback
Under siege from an ill-disguised, ill-timed attack
I keep expecting her to come and pull my pigtails
Or scratch the skin off my back with her talonlike false nails
I will admit I had a laugh when first I became aware
She had in for me and I’d better beware
Now it’s not amusing but petty and bizarre
And the gossip and the little lies have left a painful scar
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Bard
The course of true love never does run smooth
So said the Bard in some vain effort to soothe
The ruffled feathers of young love’s pride
What he should have said was run and hide
But his words ring true across time’s divide
For an erstwhile creator of a virgin bride
Who meets an errant billionaire
And embarks on a passionate and doomed affair
I always scoffed and said “Oh pooh,
If they can write this drivel so can you!”
Well it’s a bloody sight harder I’ll have you know
They don’t put on all that sex for show
In between the standard grunt and shove
They still have to fall in love
Reveal their secrets, break their hearts
In under 5 000 words
It’s an art I tell you and I one I will hone
If I want a literary agent of my own
You can turn up your nose at old Mills and Boon
They still make over 4 million women swoon
So said the Bard in some vain effort to soothe
The ruffled feathers of young love’s pride
What he should have said was run and hide
But his words ring true across time’s divide
For an erstwhile creator of a virgin bride
Who meets an errant billionaire
And embarks on a passionate and doomed affair
I always scoffed and said “Oh pooh,
If they can write this drivel so can you!”
Well it’s a bloody sight harder I’ll have you know
They don’t put on all that sex for show
In between the standard grunt and shove
They still have to fall in love
Reveal their secrets, break their hearts
In under 5 000 words
It’s an art I tell you and I one I will hone
If I want a literary agent of my own
You can turn up your nose at old Mills and Boon
They still make over 4 million women swoon
Up the creek without a paddle
I guess its time to learn to laugh
Even if it is on my own behalf
I’m filming a script 3 minutes long
For which I have to be super hero strong
My erstwhile voiceover artist has a debilitating stutter
Likely to turn me into some crazed axe wielding nutter
I’ve hit a brick wall in my effort to circumvent
Her unfortunate speech impediment
So pray for me in the days to come
Sitting head in hands feeling oh so glum
It’s not very funny I have to admit
Not for me and not for the girl who bit
Off way more than she can chew
She’s up the creek - no paddles - in a leaky old canoe
Even if it is on my own behalf
I’m filming a script 3 minutes long
For which I have to be super hero strong
My erstwhile voiceover artist has a debilitating stutter
Likely to turn me into some crazed axe wielding nutter
I’ve hit a brick wall in my effort to circumvent
Her unfortunate speech impediment
So pray for me in the days to come
Sitting head in hands feeling oh so glum
It’s not very funny I have to admit
Not for me and not for the girl who bit
Off way more than she can chew
She’s up the creek - no paddles - in a leaky old canoe
Monday, October 13, 2008
Mojo
Worked a little mojo
Sipped a ice cold Slo-Jo
Put the plan in motion
Made a little potion
Learnt the in and outs
Turned my back on nagging doubts
Now I know how to do it right
I just have to sit down and write
Easier said than done
Its going to be a lot of fun
But making time has never been
A talent of mine, or so it seems
Sipped a ice cold Slo-Jo
Put the plan in motion
Made a little potion
Learnt the in and outs
Turned my back on nagging doubts
Now I know how to do it right
I just have to sit down and write
Easier said than done
Its going to be a lot of fun
But making time has never been
A talent of mine, or so it seems
Friday, October 10, 2008
Blessed Be
Write a tale of loss and love
Earth below and sky above
Weave a tale of mystery
Kisses stolen, hearts set free
A drop of ink to mark the page
A drop of blood to set the stage
A feather from an angel’s wing
Bound within a golden ring
The power of the printed word
Bring to my hand a gold reward
To give the ones who hold my heart
A home, a start, a glowing hearth
I commit you safe and sound
To come to life beneath the ground
Strong and safe and swift and free
As I wish
So mote it be
Earth below and sky above
Weave a tale of mystery
Kisses stolen, hearts set free
A drop of ink to mark the page
A drop of blood to set the stage
A feather from an angel’s wing
Bound within a golden ring
The power of the printed word
Bring to my hand a gold reward
To give the ones who hold my heart
A home, a start, a glowing hearth
I commit you safe and sound
To come to life beneath the ground
Strong and safe and swift and free
As I wish
So mote it be
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