The Casualty Affair

I’ve spent a week by the deep blue sea

Enjoying some time with my family

We built fairy castles in the sand

And more then once things got out of hand

Back at my desk I must relate

The incidents that made the whole break great

First there was the time that James got washed away

A friendly surfer rescued him before he went astray

Still water logged and sandy my boy got quite a fright

So we had to go and buy him a brand new funky kite

Lexi has decided at the grand of age of almost three

Has decided that she no longer wished to be known as Lexi

She spent a happy morning practicing her name

Before Xandra Bella she finally became

The most amusing anecdote that I have here to share

Was what I fondly refer to as the Casualty Affair

We’d spent a happy day in the sea and on the sand

It was on our way home that things got out of hand

It must have been about four o’clock

That Marc apparently went into anaphylactic shock

I stood in the store stocking up on some snacks

When Marc and my mother came bursting in with the facts

A bust little bee had stung my man’s behind

Marc’s shock and Mummy’s panic instantly combined

Reminiscent of the manner in which headless chickens run

Round in circles as I stood there looking stunned

As I raced towards ER, Marc sat beside me numb

Worried about the blown-up man he was shortly to become

The learned paramedic upon learning of his plight

Was sympathetic and kindly and suggested he stayed the night

But first of all it was important that he looked upon the bum

To examine said sting upon which he was struck dumb

Would you like to hear the diagnosis? Well I’ve promised not to say

It will have to wait until another sunny day

Suffice to say it wasn’t quite what first we thought

It was instead an issue dermatologically fraught

Now here I sit and hear the shackles clamping tight

Around my ankles as I sit under the tungsten light

Catching up on all the office goings on

It appears things ran amok while I was gone

Marais was in accident and has staples in his head

While I sat sipping cocktails, he spent the week in bed

At the scene a drama played out

As the driver in question placed into doubt

Her blood alcohol limit of 1.79

Maintaining that she was absolutely fine

“But officer” she cried “Someone spiked my drink”

With a bottle of neat whiskey, I don’t think?

Marais’s trusty little blue Renault

Is now officially what one could call a no-go

My battled-scared rock star is back at work

Ready for the studio to go totally berserk

Let’s see how the day pans out as the seconds tick on by

I swear that in my head I can still hear the seagulls cry

Today so far I’ve had to find red dungarees and find the time

To complete a feedback form on an erstwhile colleague of mine

It’s hard to find politically correct and complimentary terms

To list the inefficiencies and the things she needs to learn

I think I did a pretty good job of it all things considered

Thinking about all the issues on which she has erred

The most fabulous thing about my day so far

Is that I found on my desk my new Vanity Fair

Packed with articles most enticing

And a cover that calls to me most inviting

I’ve had some news both happy and sad

My Jules is following in the footsteps of the lad

She plans to marry in the future near

Which means she will no longer be here

But our loss is certainly Cliffy’s gain

And I’ll toast to her engagement with fine French champagne

She’s shopping today for some sparkly thing

To adorn her finger, but not a ring

She’s never been one to stand on ceremony

And I hope she finds something with very very many

Beautifully cut diamonds, a girl’s best friend

Or barring that, a shiny new Mercedes Benz

I can empathize with the woman who thought who her drink was spiked

That feeling that you’ve been raped at some point during the night

My client just sent through a debrief that renders me dumb

Even Wayne maintains loudly that we’ve been done up the bum

Our beautiful illustrations have been reduced to microsize

Apparently the public isn’t interested in the prize

We have to use some clipart that should be rendered highly illegal

Oh how I wish I was still swimming with the seagulls

I think my laptop is fatally flawed

And shortly will have to be interred

In the bowels of IT for a full format function

Or I fear it and I are that junction

Where we may have to part on a permanent basis

Of course I will mourn my poor PC’s passing

But take strength that my grief will not be long lasting

I shall erect a monument to stand the test of time

For a laptop who has endured much

In the years it has been mine

Now I’ve spent a trying hour in my latest crusade

To find a new domestic or in plainer terms, a maid

For those of you who may think this is not a difficult task

There is a pressing question then that I must surely ask

Have you ever had to pay R3000 on your phonebill

Or replaced your entire wardrobe after a particularly nasty bleach spill

Or lost an antique dining room chair

I don’t know where it went, God only knows where

I hark back to the days of my faithful family nanny

Who although quite terrifying was undeniably canny

She outsourced our ironing and made dinner every night

If I overslept in the morning she would give me quite a fright

She never had a moment’s doubt that she was absolutely right

And organised every single aspect of our lives

On Saturday mornings my Dad and I

Would try to sneak out of the house on the sly

To avoid a breakfast made as the sun dawned in the sky

But that by 9am would make any gourmet cry

No matter how quietly, silently we snuck

She caught us every time and stood by to watch us tuck

Into congealed scrambled egg until we could finally escape

To Stephanie’s at Hyde Park for a double thick chocolate shake

Oh damn I had forgotten I have a job to do

To find an alternative line or two

About African horizons and opportunities new

And so my friends I must bid you now adieu